How do you lead yourself?

It was 1:03 am here in India. My husband was snoring right next to me, and there I was, staring into the slow-moving fan…almost having a panic attack.

It felt like someone had dropped a huge ass stone in my chest and sucked all the air out of my lungs. I was sweating profusely and felt nauseated.

Why, you ask?

Because I was terrified of my upcoming cohort. 3 amazing people had signed up (which I did not appreciate enough then). I was full-on marketing it wherever possible but was almost pissing my pants about how I’d run it.

I’ve always had stage fear since childhood, and my speech impediment only worsened things.

I felt like a total failure that night.

Thoughts like, “What the fuck am I even doing here?”, “Only 3 people have signed up? I’m a failure!” and “I’m sure I’m gonna fuck something up. Should I simply cancel the whole thing?” were taking vicious rounds in my pea-sized brain.

It was definitely one of the most horrible nights, where my self-confidence only seemed to plummet like a landslide.

The following day, when I narrated the incident to my husband, he looked at me stunned, like I was the world’s biggest weirdo. And started asking me a series of questions:

Sometimes you need a partner to show you the mirror, but that day changed EVERYTHING for me.

I started looking at things in a completely new light.

I became insanely grateful for the folks inside my container and for their presence. Just imagine, for my first-ever cohort, 3 beautiful souls had trusted me with their business, money, and deepest emotions. I almost cried with happy tears.

Fast forward 1 week, and I had a banger of a first call!

Again, there was a glitch where my internet just stopped working for 10 min straight, and I had to use my mobile hotspot. But they were patient throughout, and I could bounce back!

Usually, I would have felt insanely embarrassed and stumbled across the ppt, but an insane, unexplainable energy flowed through me that day. I was so passionate and excited about the topics I was talking about I just went on!

Every day, we share our wins, ah-ha moments, doubts, and stories of shedding external layers! It’s fucking beautiful!

The group is the best I could have asked for!

Now imagine if I had freaked out that day and canceled this! I would have never got to experience my first cohort with amazing people!

Our elders were right when they said, “After darkness comes light.” You must lead yourself, your emotions, and your higher self in those moments.

Because how you lead yourself through your darkest moments matters. How you view yourself and the universe matters; how you trust the whole process matters.

P.S.: It was again scary to write about my wins, lol. But then I realized if I don’t pat myself on the back first, who will? It felt so liberating to write this piece, then!

Until next time,Shruthi💖

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